My Toxic Relationship With Procrastination
Calling all procrastinators, this one’s for you. I have been a procrastinator for as long as I can remember. I remember so many distressing nights of staying up late, having panic attacks, and breaking down because I waited until the very last minute to write a paper, build a school project, fill out a permission slip or application, the list goes on. Present day, procrastination isn’t just something I do, it’s become who I am. It’s the lifestyle I live. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m much more disciplined in my career and can push through my procrastination tendencies at work, I’d be screwed for sure.
This year I’ve become abundantly aware of how pervasive this problem is in my life. For those of you reading this who are not inclined to procrastinate, you may be thinking, “Just stop procrastinating.” Let me break down my thought process for you. In simple terms, I can’t stop. Here is what happens in my brain: I think about something I need to get done, and instantly my brain blows the task out of proportion until it feels like such a looming, lofty task that I freeze in complete overwhelm. Next, I try to do something to calm myself down to focus and work on the task. Unfortunately, I tend to choose unhealthy coping mechanisms when I’m overwhelmed, such as watching TV or doom scrolling. Throughout the time spent on the chosen unhealthy coping activity, I feel guilty that I'm not working on the task, which only adds to my stress and triggers a flight response to the anxiety. Now I’m in full-blown hide-from-the-world mode, trying to block everything out and breathe. This cycle of trying to calm down, then feeling guilty and lazy, then panicking more, then trying to calm down again, tends to last a few hours until finally, I’ve reached the point where if I don’t start the task it won't get finished in time. At this point, I muster all my strength and finally attack and complete the task. Best case scenario, I am emotionally and physically exhausted from the spiral. Worst case scenario, I am in an all-out panic, tears, snot, and all, the entire time I’m working on the task.
Is this practical? Of course not. Does it make some sense? Kind of. Have I found a way to break this habit or cycle? Not even close. Typing it out, I can see that maybe if I could choose a healthier coping mechanism when I have the first round of overwhelm I could break the cycle, but my self-control when my emotions are that extreme is little to non-existent.
Can you relate to any of this? Do any reformed procrastinators possibly have some advice to offer? I need a solution because while procrastination isn’t the end of the world with schoolwork, living life this way is unsustainable and quite frankly, pretty miserable.