Moving Forward

I think there are three kinds of people, those who live in the past, those who live in the present, and those who live in the future. I doubt there is much debate about which is the healthiest and most productive. While living in the present can be a problem if someone refuses to think about the future at all, I’m fairly confident dwellers of the present are the happiest of the bunch. I, however, find myself stuck in the past.

I’ve had my moments of living in the future and living in the past. When I was younger, living in the future was a survival instinct. It was so easy to block out anything unpleasant happening in the present because I could focus on my fantasies of the future. I’d think about going to college, moving out of the house, and the beauty of being an adult with full control of my life. Even as I got older and found myself in a rather dark situation, I used the same method of thinking about how much better it could (and deeply hoped would) be better in the future. I did so much living in the future that I couldn't see how bad things had gotten in the present. It took a few major wake-up calls to realize I needed to bring myself back to the present and get myself out of the situation right then, not at some nonspecific point in the future.

What's interesting is since that moment, I’ve found myself instead focussed on the past. I often catch myself replaying memories and stuck on feelings from years ago. I’m aware enough to know that part of that is a trauma response, but it feels like more than that. It feels like the unpredictable nature of the present is so unsettling that my mind would rather spend its time in the past. At the same time, living in the future is no longer the refuge it once was. Now the future feels like uncertainty at best and promises I can’t keep at worst. Somewhere along my path, my brain decided looking back was easier than moving forward.

My brain isn’t wrong, looking back is easier than moving forward. Unfortunately, it is also more painful and completely useless. Henry David Thoreau has a quote, “Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.” I can’t walk back into the past, so spending as much time as I am focussing on it is a waste of my time. I want to move forward. In truth, it’s the only direction any of us can go. My goal is to stop and smell the roses along the way to ensure I’m living in the present even if I’m headed toward the future. Where are you living, past, present, or future? More importantly, are you happy there?